Vincent and the Doctor

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Vincent and the Doctor
Manly tears were shed.
Manly tears were shed.
Season: 5
Episode: 10
Vital statistics
Air date 5 June 2010
Written by Richard Curtis
Directed by Jonny Campbell
Episode guide
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Cold Blood The Lodger
"His command of colour most magnificent."
Bill's "improvised" dialogue.

Vincent and the Doctor is the tenth episode in Series 5 of Doctor NuWho. It's widely reviled as one of Matt Smith’s worst episodes that dragged down Series 5, and may have completely ruined Doctor Who historicals forever (yet at the same time many also consider this episode to be GOAT). Written and directed by Richard Curtis who made that chick flick Love Actually - no shit! Who the hell thought someone with those credentials could have turned out a Doctor Who episode that wouldn't suck balls? Oh yeah.

Plot, such as it is

The story begins with The Dicktor and Amy Sump on another drunken bender through time, gleefully destroying every famous artwork they can think of or randomly find by searching Google for “masterpiece”. This theme of destroying artworks was taken from Tom Baker's "City Of Death" story where he wrote THIS IS A FAKE across the Mona Lisa with a magic marker, then laughed about it for several minutes.

At a modern day museum, the Doctor draws a big black mustache on a Van Gogh portrait and Amy pisses herself in a giggle-fit and says they should go harass the old bugger himself so off they pop to France in 1823 (called Froggé back then).  They meet up with Van Gogh and drink paint thinner with him, spill some grape juice on several of his still-wet paintings, then smear them up by trying to wipe the juice away with a dirty rag. They later use more paintings as coasters and keep forgetting lit cigarettes on them.

The Doctor, Amy and Van Gogh later fight some giant chicken monster you’ve never heard of. The monster is both a metaphor for Van Gogh's depression and an afterthought for this turd of a story. The giant chicken's killing doesn't even hint at how Van Gogh really died: in real life the loser fractured his skull and died in a coma five days later by accidentally stepping on a rake in a wheat field; here he’s portrayed attacking the chicken monster with the sharpened end of a paint brush screaming “Die motherfucker die!”

Van Gogh drinks them all under the table afterwards then sits around crying like a little bitch which annoys the hung-over Doctor and Amy to no end. He can’t stop talking about what rubbish his paintings are and they can’t stop agreeing with him. He offers them one of his paintings but the Doctor later drops it in the TARDIS dust bin and pukes in after it. They finally agree to try taking him to the modern day to see how popular his (few remaining) paintings are and all he does is start crying again. Tired of this shit, the Doctor and Amy drop him back off in 1823, give him the finger and go back to the modern day museum, pissed as hell and looking to trash every goddamn Van Gogh painting they can find because he was such a twat. The Doctor and Amy are saddened to discover that there are no new Van Gogh paintings to destroy because Van Gogh killed himself thanks to their efforts in crushing his will to live. Bill Nye the Curator shows up and convinces us all just what a great artist Van Gogh was but Amy tells him that Van Gogh was a little bitch and knees his groin hard for wearing a goddamn bow tie.

Amy later got to destroy the Mona Lisa itself in The Girl Who Waited and the Doctor recruits some Zygonauts to destroy a whole shitload of sculptures stored under London in The Day of the Doctor.


Fucking 'orrible, it was.

Ok, now that that’s out of my system, I’ll admit I choke up every time I watch this one, even with that terrible pop song. Goddamn it, these feels they will not heal.

Also, Amy's fiance was dead for like a day and already she was sopping wet over some drunken scotsman she just met. Thus continues the reign of the Turbo-Slut. Like mother like daughter.