Unnatural History

Unnatural History
No relation to any other stories involving the words "natural" and/or "history."
No relation to any other stories involving the words "natural" and/or "history."
Vital statistics
Series Unknown))
Release No. Unknown))
Release date Unknown
Author Kate Orman & Jonathan Blum
Doctor Eighth Doctor
Episode guide
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Dominion Autumn Mist

Unnatural History is the twenty-third book in the continuing adventures of Doctor Cute and his gang of ne'er-do-wells. It was written by the wonderfully talented author, Kate Orman and... I guess Jonathan Blum was around for moral support, too. Not sure if he's good for much else. Cheers, though.

This book is GOAT, and is easily one of the highlights of the first half of the EDAs, as I'm sure anyone else would agree. It focuses mainly on Semolina Jones, Eight's plucky, no-longer-teenage companion (who is, for the record, definitely not Ace) who... whoops, shouldn't actually exist. Turns out her timeline's been messed with so as to create the "perfect companion" for the Doctor, turning her from an edgy, drug-addicted delinquent, into the Greenpeace-supporting, pacifist (usually, anyway), goody-two-shoes we know and love. This book deals with the fall out of all that... or does it?

None of that "plot" stuff actually matters, though, because this book features the closest you'll ever get to an explicit sex scene featuring the Doctor. At least in a BBC-published Who-related novel. It never quite reaches any extreme level, though, because they get interrupted (for fuck's sake, Fitz) and the Doctor's a little bit shy, anyway. Something something too dangerous to be with someone like him something something i dont really know you something something im gay, you know the drill.

There is an explicit reference to oral sex later on, though.


Honestly, I don't want to spoil the plot for anyone, and I actually just wanted to write this article so that the world would know about how close the Doctor came to fucking on-page, so here's some choice lines from that:

"He wriggled, catlike, a blissed-out smile spreading across his face. Defender of the Laws of Time, Protector of the Galaxy, and the biggest back-rub slut she’d ever seen."

"He rolled over underneath her and lay there for a moment, head thrown back against the pillow, looking utterly ravished."

"'Oh, for Christ's sake,' she said, and snogged him. She let the weight of her body press against the Doctor’s. His hands were still on her back. With her eyes closed she could smell the clean sheets, the sandalwood scent of his hair. His skin felt cool through her T-shirt."

It's even more lewd in-context, but I'll let you discover that for yourselves. I mean, really. This is based on a children's programme, for fuck's sake. Have some decency. But, oh, it gets even worse better:

"He’s pretty damn good for someone from before they discovered the clitoris."

Not to mention the post-coitus chapter, either. Come on, Orman. Control yourself.


Moffat spotting a story idea he hasn't stolen yet.

This book is really fucking good. You should give it a read, even if you're new to the EDAs—it explores a bunch of really interesting concepts, and also features Paction Faradox, because who doesn't love the skull twats? If you're really into biodata lore, you'll have it coming out your ears in this novel, too. But who the fuck would read a book just for that? We're here for the characterkino, lads. It'll have more emotional impact if you already know and love Sam, but I've been assured by a generally reliable source that it's still highly enjoyable even if you're not familiar with everyone who features.

Also, you know it's good, because Moffat fucking plagiarised it.