|nothing retard||Timewyrm: Exodus|
Once upon a time Faceless read this shit book and this is what he had to say about it. No-one posted it on the wiki until he whinged a bit later and some anon remembered it and went to put it up. Then he edited it and asked me to put it up again. What a dick.
Terminator: Genesis by John Peel
"It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a space ark have won their first victory against the evil Cybonetic Qataka. During the battle, Qatka managed to escape to earth in secret but not before using her ultimate weapon, the COBALT BOMB, a bomb with enough power to destroy an entire planet to destroy their planet and cripple the arc.
Her escape pod crashing to earth, Qataka takes the form of the goddess Ishtar, in hope to lure someone to her aid so can save herself and restore her control to the galaxy...."
She meets the King Gilgamesh (from the stories) and offers him sex if he helps her but hes not dumb enough to stick his dick in that so he leaves her. Piss off at him she swears revenge but is later rescued by a priest whom she quickly mind controls then takes over his temple. Luckily it was a temple of Ishtar so she doesn't have to change her cover story.
Ishtar's influence spreads and soon she controls most in the temple and kills many others for sustenance. The king of Kish (where the temple is located) becomes worried about her growing influence and the two share many scenes where they threaten each other in pointless padding that would make Eric seaward proud. The King's daughter becomes worried and talks to a temple priestess about whats going on in the temple. The priestess is 13 years old, topless and her function at the temple is to have sex with men as an offering to Ishtar. This must be very important as the book will remind us of this often. The two decide to work together to stop Ishtar. Lets see if they do!
Gilgamesh and his neanderthal buddy Enkidu (who gets compared to Nimrod a ton) return from their spying mission/Goddess temptation only to be sent back on another spying mission by the high council. It seems despite being a strong king during at time when that is all that really mattered they are sick of him fucking there wives and daughters (which are described to us in sorted detail dispute the fact that this info pretty much leads us no where)and 2 members conspire to have him killed. Gilgamesh and co will be ambushed right when the doctor shows up.
Meanwhile, narrative speaking, the doctor is cleaning out his brain of excess memories in case the author fucks a reference up so he can point to this as an excuse to appease Ian Levine. Unfortunately he also erases Ace's memory and then brings it back immediately because it was just an accident and its totally not setting anything up for the ending... They are then interrupted by a waxwork of the 4th Doctor who tells them that something called the Timewyrm are going to do something and he will only tell them more if he gets larger part in the novel than 7. 7 says fuck off back to voice overs and he leaves. The Tardis then fanwanks past companions to warn the doctor cryptically and they land just in time to save Gilgamesh and his Ape buddy who are being attacked (told ya). Thinking the two are gods Gilgamesh tells them some fucked up stuff is happening in Kish and the 4 go to investigate it. Gilgamesh spend most of his time trying to fuck Ace or finding something to kill. The Doctor then leaves Ace with them to investigate the temple. This leaves pages of Ace getting annoyed by Gilgamesh and Gilgamesh getting blue balls. Also Enkidu just kinda sits there.
The Doctor walks into the temple and is promptly drugged by the hypnotized priests. At this point we would usually hear the theme blare and look at some credits, but its a book so lets just move on.
Back at tedium, I mean the bar, Gilgamesh is getting sick of not fucking Ace so he starts fights. Ace calms the pace down by singing an Irish drinking song which I'm sure would have been lovely if this wasn't a book and meets a traveling songsmith who tells her some plot information about the fucked up temple. Ace figures this is where the doctor is and gets the singer to take her there which he agrees to because.... Anyways they sneak in and find the whore priestess from before who had seen the Doctor get abducted and the trio go to save him. They find him on a table about to be sacrificed to Ishar so Ace blows a bunch of them up with Nitro Nine. Like literally kills a bunch of them. The doctor is furious with her because he was only pretending to be worthless this book and it was all a cunning plan to get more information. He doesn't really seem to mind she killed a bunch of guys. Thwarted by his own Lab rat the Doctor decides to just run away with them despite the tortures and death he had already seen in the temple.
Gilgamesh (who had spent all his time in disguise in an enemy country yelling about being king and starting fights) has unsurprisingly been identified as an enemy king and has gotten in a fight. He and Enkidu graphicly kill wave after wave of troops before deciding to retreat with the Doctor and co. They get out of the city... somehow... and go back to Gilgamesh's kingdom. The Doctor noticed that Ishtar was putting a bunch of copper circuits up that will let her mind control most of the population of earth but figures he has a few weeks before shes done so they might as well fuck around for a little while. No rush.
At Gilgamesh's place we get more Seaward-esque padding about the plot to kill the Gil that goes absolutely nowhere. Then the singer sings a song about a king who travels in an ark for 60 days and is now hiding in a mountain. Obviously the song is real and about aliens related to their current problem so the Doctor sends Ace, Gil and the singer to go find them for aid while the
Whore Priestess and Enkidu the ape go back to where they just came from for more Intel, although he doesn't tell Ace that..
Ace and co have a thrilling walk to a volcano where the ship from the beginning has landed and find out what I told you in the first paragraph. Also Gilgamesh fights and breaks things for no real reason cuz he's a dick head. To make a long story short the ship is running out of power and soon the aliens will have to leave it and live in the real world. This will lead to open war with mankind for some reason. I quess they have not heard of privacy fences or something. Ace tells him that's dumb but put a pin in it because Istar is alive so finish the virus so it's not a three way war.
Meanwhile the padding from earlier finally joins the main plot as En-Gula (the whore) brings the Doctor to the Princess. Unfortunatly no one told her she was upgraded to main plot status and the group is capture by the king for more padding. Realizing her narrative blunder The Princess quickly frees them and they sneak back into the temple. The Doctor finds his way to Istar's inner sanctum for more tedium. Here are the basics:
- Ishtar talks about controlling everything and being all powerful.
- The Doctor continues his track record of doing nothing.
- The King shows up to protect his daughter but is subdued.
- Ishtar talks about controlling everything and being all powerful then takes over the Princess.
- The Doctor does nothing.
- Ace and co show up and another fight breaks out. They are quickly subdued.
- The Doctor does nothing.
- Ishtar talks about controlling everything and being all powerful. She then try to take over Ace.
- The Doctor does nothing.
But the virus was in Ace's head so now Ishtar has it! But Ishtar has a bomb set to go off if she dies so the Doctor races back to the Tardis to stop it. Realizing that if he were to save the day that would be contrary to the message of this book (7 is useless) he reverts back to the 3rd doctor's personality since he was some much better at technical stuff than all the other doctors. No seriously. Now when I say reverts back I really mean he calls everybody UNIT character names and spouts a few 3rd doctor catchphrases. Reverse the polarity? I remember that!
So the 3th doctor (who was fine with just cameo unlike Tom) imprints Ishtar's memories in the tardis (like he did with Ace's memories) then threw the bomb and made it not explode. 'Cuz cutting the wires isn't science fictiony enough for the climax. It apparently works so he can now cut the wires and gives it to the aliens to power their ship. He even mentions how handy this whole contrivance is. But much like all the other times she has been defeated she pops back up and is now alive in the tardis! So the doctor chucks her out into the vortex (despite not traveling in it at the time..) and we are told that there totally is no way back from that. Oh yeah and through all this stuff Ishtar talks about controlling everything and being all powerful.
Ace is happy that everyone seems to be getting along now and are ready for their happy ending but the doctor decides to spoil the Story of Gilgamesh, since he read the cliffnotes for a paper a few years back, about how everyone's lives will turn to shit pretty soon. But fuck it lets go to Mississippi! But whats this? Ishtar somehow survived again? And is now talking about controlling everything and being all powerful? She is now called Timewyrm and is going to kill the doc... then leaves. The Doctor then vows to follow her and stop her. He just prays to god the next author lets him have some kind of impact on the story.
If you haven't guessed already it's shit. The author had the cliffnotes of the epic of Gilgamesh, saw some bit that he could shove the Doctor into and did a piss poor job filling them in. He spends way too much time focusing on things that have little to no impact on the story and is obsessed with shoehorning sex and violence whenever he can regardless of if its needed or not. And it's never needed. The character are stereotypes with no depth. Gilgamesh, considered by some to be one of the greatest heroes in literature is reduced to a horny brute that only thinks with his cock. Ace spends the entire book being annoyed with him and fucking up situations. But the worst two are the Doctor and Ishtar. Ishtar is the main focus of the next 3 books and has no motivation other than "I want to control everyone so I shall". We could have at least delved into her reasoning for it but we don't because her twirling her mustache and threatening to kill everyone is apparently more fun. I guess. The worst one here however is the doctor. This is the first book in what I'm sure they hoped would be a long running series (Which it was) and he doesn't do anything. Even when he has the opportunity to he reverts back into the fucking 3rd Doctor. Boy, I can't wait to read more books featuring the Machiavellian Doctor to see which previous life he has to use to save his sorry ass next book. But actually the next 3 books are great so don't let the sour taste of this shit stay in your mouth too long.