The Stranger (novel)

The Stranger
Don't let this handsomely scruffy man fool you, this is a book about the Doctor.
Don't let this handsomely scruffy man fool you, this is a book about the Doctor.
Vital statistics
Series Unknown))
Release No. Unknown))
Release date Unknown
Author Portia da Costa
Doctor Eighth Doctor
Episode guide
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The Gallifrey Chronicles Nothing, thank god.

The Stranger is... ugh. It's a horribly written erotica novel, by Wendy "No Shame" Wootton (don't let her exotic-sounding pen-name fool you) alright? It's really bad, made worse only by virtue of the fact it's canon. I wish I was kidding. I'm crying as I type this.

Everyone was content to forget that this book existed, until Lance "No Taste" Parkin decided to work references to it into two of his EDAs, Father Time and The Gallifrey Chronicles. As if I needed any more reason to dislike the dude, he just keeps delivering.

Once in the old forum (Outpost Gallifrey), Craig Hinton said that Black Lace Books was in fact Virgin Books, and he also got hired under a pen name to write Gay Erotica for them and their guidelines stated every book should have at least 1 orgy. He also suggested that this book could have had some collaboration from some other notorious DW authors.

Summary

A middle-aged widow called Claudia finds a naked amnesiac and fucks the living daylights out of him. If that character description rings a bell, it should, because it's none other than the Eighth Doctor. However, seeing as someone at the BBC would probably have a fucking aneurysm at the existence of this book, the author tried to cover that fact up—as if the physical descriptions weren't a dead give-away—by naming him... wait for it... Paul.

No, I'm not even fucking kidding.

Also, clever what she did with the title.

Plot

I read the first few chapters of this, but I couldn't stomach any more. As if the general premise of it wasn't already fucking horrifying (not just for the erotica, but the dubious consent involved in it), the prose itself would be enough to frighten anyone. If you're resourceful enough to dig this monstrosity up without paying a totally uncalled-for amount, do yourself a favour and delete the file. Make a concentrated effort to forget this entire thing exists, in fact. God knows I try every single fucking day of my life.

Out of curiousity, and to spare you the pain of trying to read it yourself, I looked it up and from what I can gather, this is the (very bad, very pointless) storyline:

  1. Claudia finds the Doctor Paul bathing in the river near her mansion. He has a wank in said river.
  2. She goes back home, and he turns up at her door: injured, amnesiac, and soaked through from a thunderstorm. He collapses, and she takes him in.
  3. Paul freaks out every time hospitals or—funnily enough—doctors, are mentioned, and refuses to receive any medical help despite being fucked up. Oh, and speaking of fucking...
  4. They fuck.
  5. Stuff happens, none of it's important. They fuck some more, I guess. Whatever.
  6. Oh, and Claudia finds a fob watch with his stuff, which is where she picks up the name "Paul" for him.
  7. When they're out and about in the town, Paul spots an oddly familiar car, and tells Claudia that he can remember some of his life... then proceeds to detail the plot of Withnail & I. Except with more sex.
  8. He goes into a fair amount of detail with this. Claudia takes the time to imagine it too. In detail.
  9. Paul convinces Claudia to get down and dirty with some of her friends, I guess? They invite a lady called Melody to join them in their latest adventure, and I'm going to quote someone else's summary here because then I can pretend I didn't type it out myself: "They also have pee sex. In the mud."
  10. Apparently, Paul then solves all of Claudia's financial problems, because... maths.
  11. You know, I'm starting to think this book doesn't make sense, because there's supposedly a chapter wherein Paul and Claudia attend a BDSM orgy, overseen by a French nobleman called le Comte d’Aronville. What the fuck? Who wrote this? I hate them.
  12. Anyways, after they return to Claudia's mansion from that brief foray into the bizarre, they're greeted by a dark-haired woman who claims to be the (still amnesiac) Paul's fiancée. Also, we find out that Paul's full name is Dr. Paul Bowman, as if the fact that it is absolutely, undoubtedly the Eighth Doctor wasn't already being shoved in our faces every few paragraphs.
  13. The mysterious fiancée takes Paul away, and Claudia is depressed as fuck for a few weeks (and has lots of close, personal relations with other people) until the dude reappears at her door and they fuck, again.
  14. Paul decides to stay with Claudia. The end.

I'd say that they lived happily ever after, but Pance Larkin decided to ruin my life by making the book canon:

I don't know what's worse: the knowledge that Parkin has read this absolutely abysmal Eighth Doctor erotica, or that he felt the need to tell the world that.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go neck myself.

Reception

Says it all, really.