The Stones of Blood
|The Stones of Blood|
|Air date||28 October - 18 November 1978|
|Written by||David Fisher|
|Directed by||Darrol Blake|
|The Pirate Planet||The Androids of Tara|
The Stones of Blood is the third serial of the 16th season of Doctor Who. This deliriously absurd yet very entertaining story was the goddamn 100th story of the series, with part 4 being broadcast during no less than the very fucking week of the show's fifteenth anniversary.
It's also the superior segment of the six-part The Key to Time-Wasting story arc that generally ignored itself during most of that season.
The Doctor and The Unsexy Romana set out to look for the third segment of the Key to Time and somehow end up at a Stone Henge-like circle of stones called The Seven Watchers in Cornhole in the UK, during the "modern day" of 1978, ha ha. They also encounter some creepy lady who has an ancestor's portrait that looks just like her but is hundreds of years old and her wimpy hipster-druid friends who later actually give up trying to sacrifice Tom Motherfucking Baker and flee like bitches yo when some old lady archeologist shows up; the old lady is kind of fun for being an old lady and has some good scenes with Tom.
Turns out the monoliths that make up the "stoned circle" of the Seven Watchers are alien vampire rocks, who eat a young couple that just finished boning in their tent before the rocks show up. Also, the creepy lady is an alien too and both her and her vampire pet rocks (hey, it was the 70s) have been here on Earth for hundreds of years - pretty freaky and yet like every other Hammer film you've ever seen, aint it?
The Doctor and The Unsexy Romana find the spaceship both her and her alien vampire pet rocks came to Earth in, parked in some other dimension or some shit and floating right above the same goddamn spot where the Seven Watchers (known as "Awfuls" on their alien world) watch... and eat boning couples; if this had been a movie and not a kid's show we would have probably seen tits. Shit. The Doctor and Unsexy Romana cross the dimensions in a purple tornado, find out the ship is a prison ship and accidentally release the Megara Justice Machines, who were built by the Sea Devils to dispense the law as "hung, hasty retributioners" which isn't even a real goddamn word.
The Megara Justice Machines are the best argument (if one from a long line of examples) for treating the classic run of Doctor Who as merely a filmed stage play instead of a real television programme. They're portrayed on screen with just some swirly, shiny effect that was probably made with a pinwheel and a blue screen, then badly matted in like the phone number of a used car dealership on a late-night television commercial from the mid-70s. They flash when they speak, their voices probably recorded just off-frame by two actors sitting on a stool in their bathrobes or something; being British, maybe they sipped tea during it too. The Megara Justice Machines are also gloriously based, seriously. Moffat a shit for not bringing them back yet, although he'd probably fuck them up and have them explode because of the power of love or something else stupid.
So as the fourth anf final episode of this story opens, it turns out alien lady is also on the prison ship now too, for some reason - yeah, go hide from the cops for a few hundred years on a planet in another dimension after you lock them away, then go back to the ship - great plan lady! She also has silver skin now, because she doesn't have to pretend to be human here, and her real name is the Kaiser Of Dildos. The Megara Justice Machines were her jailors but somehow don't even fucking recognize her and instead put the Doctor on trial for releasing them which is a disintegration-worthy offense, even though they had been wrongly imprisoned by her.
Now let all this sink if for a minute. The fourth segment of the 100th story of the programme, broadcast during the fifteenth anniversary week and how did they choose to mark it? They did the motherfucking show. No overhyped plotline about Daleks mating with Cybernauts to introduce a new monster, no dumb multi-Doctor reunions where they stand around drinking punch and shaking the hands of every craft service person who's ever worked on the show, no faffing about like it's some bid deal at all - they just did the motherfucking show and went with a balls-to-the-walls lunatic idea of a court-room scene for the entire goddamn episode, and sold it, which is one reason why Tom Motherfucking baker is still remembered as the best Doctor. No pathetic warmup fondling like the "Third Doctor" story that was broadcast for the show's tenth anniversary which lead to the inevitable and disappointing fan-wank of "The Fine Doctors" on the 20th anniversary, no way, not this show. These based motherfuckers went and set Tom Motherfucking Baker loose in a courtroom for the entire fifteenth anniversary episode and it was goddamn fun instead.
During the trial, The Doctor gets the Megara to open their fucking eyes and actually realize that the creepy lady with silver skin is their original prisoner already. They imprison her and the Doctor snaps his fingers, sending the prison ship back into the purple tornado and the story is over. I think one of the Awfuls turned out to be the third piece of the Lucite puzzle-box they've been searching for this season.
I know all this makes it sound like a terrible mess. Having a standard horror movie plotline suddenly stop stone cold dead and turn into a courtroom "drama" sounds like a recipe for a goddamn disaster, but when it's done with two judges that are cheesy swirly special effects, an evil alien lady wearing silver greasepaint as the witness and Tom Motherfucking Baker for the defense making jokes, it totally works, you bet! Oh yeah, and K-9 was in this episode too.