The Peterloo Massacre

The Peterloo Massacre
Vital statistics
Range Main Range
Release number 210
Release date 15 March 2016
Writer Paul Magrs
Doctor Fifth Doctor
Publication order
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Aquitaine And You Will Obey Me

The Portaloo Mascara is an ear story by Big DickLicks Productions starring Fivey, Nyssa and the mouth. It's one of the three (so far) adventures set between ⌒ of ∞ and Cakearse.


Just like most good historicals, it tells the story of some event I didn't even know fucking happened and shoves the Doktah into it. Basically the Doctor gets his dates wrong as per usual and accidentally takes his two lady friends to one of the worst massacres in British history, only realising this once said two lady friends have wondered off. Nyssa befriends Nancy from The Empty Child and accompanies her to the march where the massacre ends up taking place, while Tegan gets thrown in jail for trying to fuck a horse.

The Doctor meanwhile... holy fuck, he's actually really good in this one. Not only does he save a boy trapped inside a cotton factory machine, but after the massacre ends he channels his inner Time Lord Victorious and tells the head of the factory who turned out to be one of the soldiers responsible for the tragedy that he would've broken the laws of time and stopped him had he knew he would've been involved. Fuck yeah, where was THIS Fifth Doctor on TV? To think this guy was such a pussy onscreen... Well, aside from that one occasion, obvs.

The story even has the balls to kill off A BABY. Yeah, that's right. Take that, Steven "I'm a pussyfooting cunt who can't possibly kill 2.47 billion children" Moffat!


Yup, instant GOAT with this one. It's a prime example of how the pure historical genre can still function in Doctor Hue and how NuHu should totally cut a few lion people, cosmic racists, and demons out from their stories set in the past.