The Mattress

My name is not Honey.
— Bananas

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John Simm as the Mattress.
Laughing Mattresses.
OH SHIT NIGGA
Moffat on the Mattress. Wait, not like that.

The Mattress is a mental patient Moriarty to the Doctor's Sherlock Holmes. A renegade Time Lord equal in ability and intelligence to the Doctor (at least until he/she had a knock on the head and lost the plot.) Quite often ery definitely definitively dead with no chance of ever coming back EVER (only to return every time with little-to-no explanation.)

Story

The Mattress was created by Barry Letts and Terrance Dicks during the Pertwee era when they were down the pub pissed out of their minds (as usual.) Letts and Dicks were discussing how the Third Doctor was very Sherlock Holmes-ian when eventually they hit upon "What he needs is a Moriarty!"

Suddenly Roger Delgado appeared in a blinding flash of light sliding on a pair of sunglasses as a huge explosion went off behind him. He immediately cast himself for the part and Robert Holmes punched out the first Mattress story Terror of the Autons. The Mattress was born.

He was a pretty decent villain if I'm honest, or at least the Delgado/Ainley versions; dignified, elegant, quietly chuckling to himself while stroking his beard, and he was only evil for the same reason the Doctor traveled around - because he LOVED doing it, and that was all the reason he needed.

That sadly all changed when he was introduced in the RTD era, or as it should be named, the "fuck subtlety" era, where he turned into a raging loony who was motivated by the never ending drums in his head that he had apparently been suffering from enjoying getting sadist pleasure from his entire life yet had only just brought up now.

Current incarnation

The Mattress's most recent incarnation is Missy Poppins, who was last seen committing whatever the murder version of selfcest is.

Previous Incarnations

First Master — William Hughes: 2007, James Doofus: 2018

When the Mattress was a kid the Time Lords made him look into the Untempered Eggs and the DRUMS raped his mind.

RIP In Peace

Apparently he grew up to look like this.

Roger Delgaydo: 1971-1973

Had a Green Cross Card into Jon’s heart.

Messed around with UNIT because he had a badass villain beard.

Crispy Mattress — Peter "Chris" Pratt: 1976, Geoffrey “Mouldy” Beevers: 1981

The Mattress ended up on his thirteenth body but didn’t want tuggo, so he fell into a fryer or something and became a corpse. Tried to kill the Doctor in the Matrix using underground clowns and trains and rocks. Got in trouble with the BBC because one of the episodes ended with the Doctor drowning.

Later looked like this.

Anthony Anally: 1981-1989

It really do be like that sometimes.

Stole Karl Marx’s body, then shaved so he could be more like Delgado. Became a manlet once. Ended up getting AIDS from a Cheetah.

Gordon Nipple: 1996

Flash Gordon.

Executed by the Daleks and turned into ashes, but he ate a spoopy ghost ass-snake and... became the snake?

t. Morph

Eric “Always Drezzed for the Occasion” Roberts: 1996

The only scene anyone remembers
The best incarnation of The Master

Possessed the Terminator. Cucked the Eighth Doctor and slept with DOCTOR CHAAAANG.

Then he got trapped in the Time Vortex and a multiverse snake turned him into a hobo. Or was trapped by UNIT. Or became John Smith. Or regenerated. Guess he eventually died or something.

Alex “Pissy Biscuit” MacQueen: 2012-2016

EAT THE CHEESE NICHOLSON

Was resurrected for the Time War. Didn’t like being bald. Also ended up in Geoffrey Beevers’ body.

War Master

The Lightning McQueen Mattress died somehow, so in the comics the Master regenerated into a “sinister Asian child.” He teamed up with the War Doctor but died and regenerated into an old man. What an idiot.

Does this mean the Doctor could regenerate into a child?

Derek Jacobisexual: 2007, 2017

He did a bunch of cool stuff before and during the Time War, like helping Kate Stewart fight Cybermen and pushing Leela into the Time Vortex or something. Then he turned himself into a human baby using a Chameleon Arch (why), and became Professor Yana. When Martha Jones made him remember he was the Mattress he regenerated after 4chantho shot him.

Goodness, is that the time?

I... AM... THE MASTER! (electrocutes Chantho)

John Rimmjob: 2007-2010, 2017

HECKUVA JOB RUSTY!
(EVIL CACKLES ARE EVIL XD IM JUST SO INSANSE!!!!!)
>hijacked TARDIS
>elected PM
>gets shot
>revived by some unnamed shitfucks because magic
>becomes everyone on Earth
>undone by the Doctor
>back to the time war he goes

Also took care of Cyber-Bill in disguise as Ian Levine.

>tfw you die making out with the Doctor, only to be resurrected as an undead people-eating zombie who flies around on lightning bolts

Michelle Gomez: 2014-2017

Missy, as seen in Series 8.

Played Missy a shit. She’s got her own page. Move along.

Companions

Or more accurately, characters who the Mattress has kidnapped, raped, slaughtered, used or abused in some way:

GOAT stories

These are the Mattress stories you should totally watch because they are 12 out of 5. Any not mentioned are probably dogshit except not really.

...

...What? Were you expecting something from NuWho? Pfft of course not, all Mattress NuWho stories are shit... Well, unless you count Utopia as its own story, in which case YES IT'S FUCKING GOAT....... plus

Dark Water......

And World Enough and Time.......

And The Doctor Falls.

Other Mattresses

These Mattresses weren’t in the actual show but are 100% canon.

Jonathan "The Pryce is Ryght": 1999

A horny old bitch who loves the Doctor in something written by Moffat, so keep that in mind.

Derek Jacobi, again: 2003

House boy

Recorded a filthy outgoing message for the Doctor's answering machine.