|“||My name is not Honey.||”|
The Mattress is a mental patient Moriarty to the Doctor's Sherlock Holmes. A renegade Time Lord equal in ability and intelligence to the Doctor (at least until he/she had a knock on the head and lost the plot.) Quite often ery definitely definitively dead with no chance of ever coming back EVER (only to return every time with little-to-no explanation.)
- 1 Story
- 2 Current incarnation
- 3 Previous Incarnations
- 3.1 First Master — William Hughes: 2007, James Doofus: 2018
- 3.2 Roger Delgaydo: 1971-1973
- 3.3 Crispy Mattress — Peter "Chris" Pratt: 1976, Geoffrey “Mouldy” Beevers: 1981
- 3.4 Anthony Anally: 1981-1989
- 3.5 Gordon Nipple: 1996
- 3.6 Eric “Always Drezzed for the Occasion” Roberts: 1996
- 3.7 Alex “Pissy Biscuit” MacQueen: 2012-2016
- 3.8 War Master
- 3.9 Derek Jacobisexual: 2007, 2017
- 3.10 John Rimmjob: 2007-2010, 2017
- 3.11 Michelle Gomez: 2014-2017
- 4 Companions
- 5 GOAT stories
- 6 Other Mattresses
The Mattress was created by Barry Letts and Terrance Dicks during the Pertwee era when they were down the pub pissed out of their minds (as usual.) Letts and Dicks were discussing how the Third Doctor was very Sherlock Holmes-ian when eventually they hit upon "What he needs is a Moriarty!"
Suddenly Roger Delgado appeared in a blinding flash of light sliding on a pair of sunglasses as a huge explosion went off behind him. He immediately cast himself for the part and Robert Holmes punched out the first Mattress story Terror of the Autons. The Mattress was born.
He was a pretty decent villain if I'm honest, or at least the Delgado/Ainley versions; dignified, elegant, quietly chuckling to himself while stroking his beard, and he was only evil for the same reason the Doctor traveled around - because he LOVED doing it, and that was all the reason he needed.
That sadly all changed when he was introduced in the RTD era, or as it should be named, the "fuck subtlety" era, where he turned into a raging loony who was motivated by the never ending drums in his head that he had apparently been
suffering from enjoying getting sadist pleasure from his entire life yet had only just brought up now.
The Mattress's most recent incarnation is Missy Poppins, who was last seen committing whatever the murder version of selfcest is.
First Master — William Hughes: 2007, James Doofus: 2018
When the Mattress was a kid the Time Lords made him look into the Untempered Eggs and the DRUMS raped his mind.
Apparently he grew up to look like this.
Roger Delgaydo: 1971-1973
Messed around with UNIT because he had a badass villain beard.
Crispy Mattress — Peter "Chris" Pratt: 1976, Geoffrey “Mouldy” Beevers: 1981
The Mattress ended up on his thirteenth body but didn’t want tuggo, so he fell into a fryer or something and became a corpse. Tried to kill the Doctor in the Matrix using underground clowns and trains and rocks. Got in trouble with the BBC because one of the episodes ended with the Doctor drowning.
Later looked like this.
Anthony Anally: 1981-1989
Gordon Nipple: 1996
Executed by the Daleks and turned into ashes, but he ate a spoopy ghost ass-snake and... became the snake?
Alex “Pissy Biscuit” MacQueen: 2012-2016
Was resurrected for the Time War. Didn’t like being bald. Also ended up in Geoffrey Beevers’ body.
The Lightning McQueen Mattress died somehow, so in the comics the Master regenerated into a “sinister Asian child.” He teamed up with the War Doctor but died and regenerated into an old man. What an idiot.
Derek Jacobisexual: 2007, 2017
He did a bunch of cool stuff before and during the Time War, like helping Kate Stewart fight Cybermen and pushing Leela into the Time Vortex or something. Then he turned himself into a human baby using a Chameleon Arch (why), and became Professor Yana. When Martha Jones made him remember he was the Mattress he regenerated after 4chantho shot him.
I... AM... THE MASTER! (electrocutes Chantho)
John Rimmjob: 2007-2010, 2017
- (EVIL CACKLES ARE EVIL XD IM JUST SO INSANSE!!!!!)
- >hijacked TARDIS
>revived by some unnamed shitfucks because magic
>becomes everyone on Earth
>undone by the Doctor
>back to the time war he goes
Also took care of Cyber-Bill in disguise as Ian Levine.
Michelle Gomez: 2014-2017
Played Missy a shit. She’s got her own page. Move along.
Or more accurately, characters who the Mattress has kidnapped, raped, slaughtered, used or abused in some way:
- The Brigadier
- Most of UNIT
- Captain Chin Lee
- Literally the entire population of Logopolis
- Chang Lee
- Grace Holloway
- Lucy Saxon
- Doctor Chang
- The Rani
- The Doctor
These are the Mattress stories you should totally watch because they are 12 out of 5. Any not mentioned are probably dogshit except not really.
- The Mind of Evil
- The Daemons
- Frontier in Space
- The Deadly Assassin
- The Five Doctors
- The Mark of the Rani
- The Light at the End
...What? Were you expecting something from NuWho? Pfft of course not, all Mattress NuWho stories are shit... Well, unless you count Utopia as its own story, in which case YES IT'S FUCKING GOAT....... plus
And World Enough and Time.......
And The Doctor Falls.
These Mattresses weren’t in the actual show but are 100% canon.
Derek Jacobi, again: 2003
Recorded a filthy outgoing message for the Doctor's answering machine.