The Bedding of River Song

(Redirected from The Husbands of River Song)
The Bedding of River Song
River's gettin' bent over the naughty step.
River's gettin' bent over the naughty step.
Season: 9
Episode: Christmas Special
Vital statistics
Air date Have they announced it yet?
Written by Steven "Can't Boff the Moff" Moffat
Directed by Douglas Mackinnon
Episode guide
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Hell Bent The Return of Doctor Mysterio
Pretty accurate.
Pre-fuck faces... ...24 years of fucking...
Shortly afterwards, the BBC got something right for once.
River thinks she only has 24 hours to fuck...The Doctor does like to tease bitches
Bingo did well for once.

The Bedding of River Song (also never known by its non-canon name as The Husbands of River Song) is the Christmas special of Series 9 (or, I guess, 10... wait no, its part of Series 9 because its on the DVD for it), and continues the annual Christmas tradition of ruining Doctor Who forever.

It stars Penquin Linguini as the incompetent husband previously seen in every sitcom ever and Alex, King of Stones as Moffat's Wank Fantasy. It also introduces Matt Mucus as Nardole.


This episode is notable for being partial reconstructions of old Torchwood season one scripts considered too childish even by their standards.Whether or not it's canon depends on whether you find the thought of River and Twelve doing the sideways Sontaran arousing. River Song did play around with her tits, which caught the Doctor's eye!

It's also known as the Sex Storm. Does this mean the Doctor and River end up fucking for 24 years, therefore creating the Time Lords? MOFFAT KNOWS!

It is the first Christmas special to be followed directly by another Christmas special, the one after this being called 'Remembrance of The Fact That We Still Need To Keep The Dalek Rights You Fucking Idiots' (working title).


Cuckoldry in action. The Doctor, now totally over Clalala, spends time in the street where she died at Christmas time, when someone knocks on the tardis door (even though the tardis should be invisible to him at least it was in RTD era [though even by RTD standards, since the guy was looking for it, he would be able to find it]). The Doctor answers wearing Christmas headgear. It's a bald man asking if he's a surgeon! The Doctor, recalling he needs new blood for the Tardis, agrees to help.

Unfortunately, the bald man takes him to a spacecraft where a hideous and particularly slutty witch-queen demands he perform ritualistic sacrifice before millions of people who appear to be stock footage from The Matrix Reloaded. The Doctor, less than stoked to be asked to murder someone live on camera, asks River why she wants this done. It turns out it's because she's the villainess in an Indiana Jones movie, basically.

So, the villain gives the Doctor head, and then River gives the Doctor head, and then they both jump out a window to their death, the end.


The penultimate River Song adventure. So long as we don't get more post-Library episodes.


Was pretty GOAT, The Doctor was being the canon doctor and showing River how it is done, Its also the Doctor River falls in love with because he is GOAT doctor.