The Girl Who Died

It's all downhill after this, mates.
— Jaime Mathieson, warning us about the rest of Series 9
The Boy Girl Who Lived Died
Big long hard straight sword with two huge round shields right at the bottom? Subtle imagery, guys.
Big long hard straight sword with two huge round shields right at the bottom? Subtle imagery, guys.
Season: 9
Episode: 5
Vital statistics
Air date 17 October 2015
Written by James McAthieson and BRAVO MOFFAT
Directed by Ed Bazalgette
Episode guide
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Before the Ood The Woman Who Lived
"What do you mean I'm not going to play Susan? Then why have me at all!?"
The Face of Boe.
What happened after the Doctor saved a viking village.

The Girl Who Died. Sounds like some Harry Potter shit. Or maybe a riff on Amy Pond. But we all know what it's really about: making us think Susan's back, but she isn't.

It stars David Tennant as the Doctor and Catherine Tate as his companion, and features the guest talents of Maisie Williams, Benny Hill, AND Monty Python. It's written by Jaime Mathieson and Steven Moffat, and as such, it is Mathieson's weakest episode, but it's still pretty GOAT.

The Doctor saves a town of pillagers and rapists from an army of robots who want to turn them into gay juice, and not Arya Stark becomes immortal.

Plot

After a long winded nonsense cold open, the Doctor and Clara run into vikings. The Doctor doesn't want to do Vikings today, but before he can escape they KILL THE FUCKING SUNGLASSES, YES, GET FUCKED MOFFAT WHAT THE FUCK? ;_: They will probably hopefully return next episode but fuck those meme sunglasses any time away from them is time well spent. After 2 days of maybe not being raped on a longboat, the Vikings take our helpless heroes to their village. Before the Vikings have the chance to gang rape and kill them and eat their innards, the Doctor gets his yo-yo out and pretends to be Odin. They don't seem to be buying it.

Suddenly, the real Odin shows up! It turns out he's actually an alien who pretends to be a god to impress and terrify primitive people, and then steals the strong and brave to absorb their testosterone, because that shit's damn good, man, it's like that Jamaican shit. After escaping the Death Egg Zone, Clara attempts to negotiate with Odin to save the village, which Not-Arya fucks up by provoking them into war. The Doctor has one day to turn the remaining villagers who have never held a sword in their life into pillagers and rapists. Utterly demoralized by their thin chances of survival, the Doctor decides to leave the stupid and cowardly savages to die. However, thanks to a screaming and whining baby, he has a burst of ID4-like inspiration and he comes up with an idea to save them.

When the space mechs and Odin arrive for their battle, the Doctor organizes a hoedown to get them to lower their guard, then uses a jury-rigged EMP using electric eels that came from Vinland I guess to pull off one of their helmets, which Ashildr uses to project a fantasy into their minds of a dragon attacking them, which Odin's troops flee in terror from, which is then revealed to be a hoax which The Doctor, after recording it and scoring it to Yakety Sax, threatens to upload it to the space internet unless they leave Earth for good. Bravo Mathieson.

The disgruntled Odin leaves and the viking villagers live to rape and enslave another day, however it is revealed that Ashildr has died from how stupid it all was having her life force drained from her by the helmet. After lamenting the death of those who die in the line for him, the Doctor has a shocking, life-changing revelation: he instinctively chose his face, the face of Lobus Caecilius, to remind him that there are always people worth saving, regardless of consequences. Because, you know, the Doctor forgot that I guess.

After removing the immortality chip from the alien mechs helmet and implanting it in Ashidlr, she is resurrected, apparently permanently. Though the villagers are grateful, the Doctor upon reflection severely regrets his decision due to "ripples", and ponders nervously on what will happen now that Ashildr is functionally immortal, as made out by the final scene that makes her out to become an edgelord.

Reception

Based Mathieson does it again. Although some anal fucks living in their mothers basements wondered why the Vikings had fucking horns in their fucking helmets, those willing to bask in based Matheisons glory and not question his genius knows that he works in mysterious ways, and some episode with Vikings 50 years ago had them so who cares.

If we're all being honest, this is the weakest episode of the series so far. The tone shifts throughout, Williams was completely underused miscast, and there were too many "Okay, but WHY is she dead/baby speak reintroduced/are the Mire such shit monsters/are there electric eels on the wrong side of the planet" moments. The second half was by far better. If Moffat had just let Matheison alone to write it, it would have been far better.