The Bells of Saint John

The Bells of Saint John
There is no spoonhead.
There is no spoonhead.
Season: 7
Episode: 6
Vital statistics
Air date 30 March 2013
Written by Steven Moffat
Directed by Colm McCarthy
Episode guide
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The Snowmen The Rings of Akhaten
"Come back when you're Capaldi."

The Bah-Bah-Bah-Bells of Saint Jon Pertwee was the sixth episode of Series 7. It marked the debut of the totally unknown, never seen before Jenna Coleman as brand new, totally original character Clara "Oswald For The Win" Oswald. Yes, "FTW" was used in a television script in 2013.


The Eleventh Doctor's new catchphrase.

The Doctor has become the Meddling Monk, because he's driven himself crazy trying to paint Clara's weird face.

Meanwhile, Clara's living with the family from Beetlejuice (seriously, same last name) and trying to check out that internet thing everybody's so stoked about. Unfortunately, she can't get the danged thingy to do the woosh, you know? And the snot-faced little shits she's charged with keeping track of are no help. Instead she takes a phone number she got fromthe Master and calls that, hoping to get some technical help.

Clara: Why don't I have the internet?
The Doctor: It's 1207.
Clara: I've got half past three. Am I phoning a different time zone?
The Doctor: Yeah, you really sort of are.

The Doctor realizes it's Pancakes on the other end of the phone because she says some stupid thing about running boys. In a fit, he flies the TARDIS into the future to try and kidnap her while dressed as a filthy 13th century monk, and for some reason, she doesn't want anything to do with him. What a stuck up bitch, amirite.

He starts getting changed into something way more socially appropriate, like a giant purple longcoat over a tweed vest with an enormous bowtie, while Clara gets brain-napped by the Great Intelligence. He rescues her with an NCIS-style hacking minigame, and then she wakes up hours later in bed, with tea and half-eaten cookies next to her, wearing different clothes and generally concerned about the fact that the last thing she remembers is a weirdo in a monk outfit appearing after she called him on the phone.

In the meantime, the Doctor has made numerous long distance calls, torn up the garden, vandalized the bicycles of the family, and let the children wander off to wherever they please. Clara comes down to talk to him about, y'know, life and the universe and stuff, when suddenly he demands that she get in his snog-box. You see, the wi-fi is turning people on, and blacking out the city so the Great Intelligence will have a perfect target to allahu ackbar a 747 into. What follows is arguably the best use of the TARDIS the show's ever managed to pull off:

There's also a bit with time travel right after this that's really good too, but I couldn't find a clip with the whole thing.

After that, the Doctor time travels to tomorrow morning, on the logic that he and Clara are still bright eyed and bushy tailed, while their opponents have been up all night driving themselves crazy over every police box in London. They decide to go get breakfast, and do so in ultimate style.

A throbbing hog between your legs, a deadly enemy straight ahead, what more could a time lord ask for?

There, the Great Intelligence reveals its plan: eat people's minds. So, pretty much the same plan, then. It then sends one of its shape-shifting robot base stations, disguised as the Doctor, to steal Clara's mind, all her personality and intellect leaving her body, leaving her with her Series 7B characterization. In revenge, the Doctor reminds the audience that he used to be Sylvester McCoy, and enacts a cunning ruse to defeat the Great Intelligence, kill nearly every mind connected to it, get everybody working for the Great Intelligence locked up in a UNIT prison camp, and reduce a little old lady to the mind of a 9 year old.

So, once again the day is saved, and the Doctor asks Clara to come along with him. But, in the first display of her bossy control freak nature, she says no, and tells him to come back another time and ask her again. She also inadvertently reveals The Leaf to him, piquing his curiosity...


11/10 it's alright. People don't seem to like this episode as much as I think they should, which I put down to series 7 being generally a rough time for the series. It also has the cutesy visual style of Sherlock, which probably puts some people off and turns other people on in equal measure.

Yeah I really like this one too. One of the best of Series 7.