The Abzorbaloff

The hero we deserve.
Farting on mah arsefu.
A sexy Abzorbaloff. The cosplayers have gone too far this time.
You see this? you see this masterpiece of design? a monstrous 20ft tall fat green man that absorbs things, This is what the Abzorballof could have been, he could have been a force to be fucking reckoned with. Instead we have a comedian in a rubber suit covered in pubes. BRAVO RUSTY, BRAVO MILLENNIUM FX.

The Abzorbaloff (played by Ian Levine) is a character in the British science fiction television series Doctor Who and its associated spin-off works.


The Abzorbaloff is the archenemy and wife of the title character the Doctor and first appeared in the modern-day classic Love & Monsters.

He is notable for his ability to absorb people, such as the autists of LINDA, into his anus and have their faces embedded in his arsecheeks, a fate which ultimately befell the Tenth Doctor.


Some have described The Abzorbaloff as "taking creative ideas for monsters and bastardising them into the worst form of unfunny comic relief". However the character gained internet popularity when the meme "Goosh Goosh" went viral, featuring The Abzorbaloff luring small asian men into his sex dungeon and raping them to death.

Several observers have speculated that the Abzorbaloff monster may have been based on Levine and tampons - I mean "lampoons" - his role in fandom, you know, as the fat guy who comes along, farts on your friends and ruins everything. Also they both have taste for wearing nothing but underwear, like cotton gym shorts.


The popularity of the Abzorbaloff in Britain and the world beyond as an iconic Doctor Who spin-off character cannot be overstated, rivaling that of the Daleks. This adoration has even lead to an abominable “Abzorbaloff Day” jubilee that fills Cardiff with parades, pub crawls and parties to commemorate the original broadcast of the episode Love And Monsters on 17 July, 2006;  this year’s get-together is on Saturday the 13th in the northeastern Cardiff district of St. Mellons, but tickets may still be available.   

Numerous fan L.I.N.D.A. chapters from across the island nation and it’s nearby territories (even a few from the US!) converge on the bars, streets and dingy alleys of this otherwise sleepy backwater burg, gathering to revel in all things fat and unpleasant. Cardiff and its many districts vie to outbid one another for the bragging rights of having Peter Kay himself serve as king of their processions and to lead the primitive Saxon revelers in over indulgence and sexual intercourse with paving stones, often leaving walks unsafe due to the slippery footing. Kay also often agrees to fart on babies for good luck for the superstitious tribes that roam that thankfully far-away and colourful land.  

The BBC itself joins in the gala affair by requiring the showruiner to work a charity tomato-pelt booth (always a popular attraction for irate fans) and even sets its website to make farting noises when a link to any content other than Doctor Who or the Abzorbaloff is clicked. The current actor portraying the Doctor has traditionally appeared for the festivities since 2009 but Peter Capaldi bowed out last year citing “unforeseen obligations;” fans of the fat monster (the Abzorbaloff, not Peter Capaldi) are eagerly hoping he’ll make it this year round. A fireworks programme in the early hours usually caps off the night of binge-drinking, fat-roll fondling and grease-ingesting, although an accidental misfire last year that set several local structures ablaze somewhat dampened the spectacle for those sober enough to notice or even remember that night.  


The Abzorbaloff anniversary blast has recently begun to include Ian Levine as an honorary guest as knowledge of his (possibly apocryphal) role in inspiring “the monster who nearly ruined Doctor Who fandom” has become more widely acknowledged and (strangely) forgiven. Between the endless ELO playlists (because ‘oo doesn’t like a bit ah ELO?) that endlessly squall all about one, the strains of Doctor in Distress well up from the occasional pub, while the more trendy hot-spots pump out the now “retro-cool” K-9 theme tune he composed. He was surprised and delighted to be considered relevant in any fashion and has enthusiastically joined the repellent event since first being invited in 2011.