|River is back, golden age.|
|Played by||Alex Kingston, Sydney Wade, Maya Glace-Green, Nina Toussaint-White|
|Years active||2008 - 2015|
|Travelled with||Every fucking Doctor|
Thirteenth Doctor(inevitable probably)
|First story||Silence in the Library|
|Last story||The Bedding of River Song (maybe)|
The Doctor eventually marries River Schlong meaning the Doctor's wife is also his daughter but actually didn't really marry the Doctor as it was in an alternate timeline where they actually did. A classic case of art imitating life like when David Tennant married Peter Davison's daughter. Except she was The Doctor's Daughter both inside and outside the show.
Seems simple enough right? Well that's where her timeline begins to get a little complicated because instead of staying dead she stalked the Eleventh Doctor (in her past, but his future, or something) and eventually regenerated into Adolf Hitler.
Awkward MILF-related flirting ensued as Alex Kingston was 57 years older than Le Fezzler (fortunately Fezzler aged so rapidly he was actually older than Kingston when they filmed their final episode together).
As River's story progressed it became so convoluted the audience fell asleep until the War Doctor arrived to wake us all up again.
It is certain that River Pong will be in Doctor Who forever at this rate judging by Master Moffat who will probably bring her back to snog with her fake wife Whiskercat. She hasn't aged gracefully though ever since..
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT CONFIRMED FOR SERIES 9 CHRISTMAS
SEX STORM INCOMING
Strangely enough The Bedding of River Song actually turned out to be a good episode. River was surprisingly enjoyable and it gave her a decent send-off as well as ending her story on a nice twist, one that involves Twelvey fucking her brains out for 24 years straight.