River Song

River Song
River is back, golden age.
River is back, golden age.
Vital statistics
Played by Alex Kingston, Sydney Wade, Maya Glace-Green, Nina Toussaint-White
Years active 2008 - 2015
Travelled with Every fucking Doctor
Tenth Doctor
Eleventh Doctor
Twelfth Doctor
Thirteenth Doctor(inevitable probably)
First story Silence in the Library
Last story The Bedding of River Song (maybe)
Previous Next
Roar Pancakes
Alex Kingston responds to rumors of her return.
Detailed timeline of the Doctor and River.
Alternate timeline.
River Song and Matt Smith on set for the last episode they filmed together- The Wedding Cake of River Song. I should go to hell for this.
Literally arse.
Baby River dies of... actually, I don't think they ever said.

River's Dong (played by Alex Kingston) is one of Moffat's greatest mistakes and Doctor Who's first transgender companion.


Her real name is Melody Pond, which is quite possibly the most pretentious name I've ever heard in my goddamn life. She is the bastard child of Amy Pond and Rory Betamax.

River is part Time Lord because she was conceived on the TARDIS (just after the episode The Big Bang (get it?)

The Doctor is her real father because everyone knows Rory prefers to watch other dudes bang his wife.

The Doctor eventually marries River Schlong meaning the Doctor's wife is also his daughter but actually didn't really marry the Doctor as it was in an alternate timeline where they actually did. A classic case of art imitating life like when David Tennant married Peter Davison's daughter. Except she was The Doctor's Daughter both inside and outside the show.


River's Thong first appeared with the Tenth Doctor in a silent library and got barbecued to death.

Seems simple enough right? Well that's where her timeline begins to get a little complicated because instead of staying dead she stalked the Eleventh Doctor (in her past, but his future, or something) and eventually regenerated into Adolf Hitler.

Awkward MILF-related flirting ensued as Alex Kingston was 57 years older than Le Fezzler (fortunately Fezzler aged so rapidly he was actually older than Kingston when they filmed their final episode together).

As River's story progressed it became so convoluted the audience fell asleep until the War Doctor arrived to wake us all up again.

If, for some reason, you enjoy the convoluted nightmare that is her timeline, you can listen to her extended adventures on Biggholas Finish.


It is certain that River Pong will be in Doctor Who forever at this rate judging by Master Moffat who will probably bring her back to snog with her fake wife Whiskercat. She hasn't aged gracefully though ever since..






Strangely enough The Bedding of River Song actually turned out to be a good episode. River was surprisingly enjoyable and it gave her a decent send-off as well as ending her story on a nice twist, one that involves Twelvey fucking her brains out for 24 years straight.

Rory and Amy must be very proud.


I would.

Plebs don't like her, but that's their problem.