Good as Gold

Ohhhh yes, we're doing this drivel. Prep thine anuses, because this is one big pile of shit.

Good as Gold
Matt and Karen reading the script.
Matt and Karen reading the script.
Season: Shit
Episode: Yet another bloody minisode.
Vital statistics
Air date 24 May 2012
Written by Children of Ashdene School
Directed by Saul Metzstein
Episode guide
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Death Is the Only Meme Fortunately no kiddies have been let near the typewriter since.

Good as Gold is quite possibly the most incompetently written thing in Doctor Who history. Oh yeah, I said it; in a show that has featured such clumsy writing as Dimensions in Time, Series 6 and Kill the Moon, it's a real achievement that someone managed to make a piece of Who related media that was somehow worse than those three combined.

Who actually wrote this story, by the way?

...Oh... Schoolkids... Why am I not surprised...

Plot

So, Amy and the Doctor are chilling in the TARDIS and Amy's reading a snobby book passage that reads "If you wish to call yourself a PROPER space traveler then you need to have an adventure once a week.", because apparently just merely going through the multi year-long training to be an astronaut and moving from point A to point B in space (the very definition of TRAVELLING IN SPACE) isn't enough to be considered a true space traveler; you need to get chased by bug eyed monsters and get into life-threatening situations as well. Sorry Neil Armstrong, your achievements are in vain.

So anyway, the Doctor sets the TARDIS to "adventure setting", the TARDIS responding with pumping sulfuric acid vapour in Matt Smith's face for having such little self-respect to actually read out that line. Considering Matt Smith's face is actually a foot though, he was able to survive because feet can't actually inhale. The TARDIS tries plan B by crash landing in an Olympic running track, however Amy and the Doctor still survive.

Rigsy bursts in because he was an Olympic runner before resorting to a life of vandalism. He was being chased by a Weeping Angel, who wanted to steal the Olympic torch because she's a meanie... no really, that's pretty much the explanation we're given. The Angel appears in the TARDIS (despite Amy and the Doctor looking in the general direction of the door when it appeared, so how the fuck did it come inside?) and takes the torch. The Doctor then whips out his dildo and shoves it into the Angel's bitchpussy until it explodes... no really, that happens too. Rigsy gives the Doctor his medal and says goodbye to him, pretty much ignoring Amy and bringing into question why they got Karen Gillan to show up if she had so little to do... Then again, I should probably be questioning why the fuck they allowed kids to write a minisode anyway.

The Angel then rebuilds itself and the clip ends... and that never gets resolved. This aspect would later inspire Moffat when writing The Angels Take Manhattan, as he completely glosses over what the Doctor and River did with the scavenging Angel at the end of that story.

Other thoughts

A detailed account of how poor Sarah drezzed as an Angel for less than 20 seconds of screentime.
  • My sympathies are with the poor actress who had to dress up as an Angel for this shit. That's literally hours of preparation she had to go through, and even more time spent when you consider they had to have her switch masks from the calm face to the feral face. Unless the Angel here was in actual fact played by a legitimate pair of statues, which wouldn't surprise me considering the obvious usage of them for their useless cameos in the full-length episodes. The Good as Gold angel was indeed played by an actress, according to Doctor Who Adventures magazine (some kiddie patronising version of DWM).
  • I don't think there's a better example of the Angels' declining quality than when you realise they were once considered to be the scariest monster in all of Who, and yet here they are five years after their introduction in a clip broadcast on CBBC.
  • This came out in 2012 and is presumably set between Series 6 & 7, so where's Rory? I'm guessing it's because Arthur Darvill wasn't available, but where is the character supposed to be in-universe? Would he really be so trusting to leave Amy and the Doctor alone considering she clearly still wanted to bone him in The aptly named Big Bang?

Verdict

To be fair though, bless them. They were probably so excited that their script was picked, and it will probably go down as one of the highlights of their lives... ...Well, that's what I would say if I actually cared about children.

Yeah, it's pure horseshit. You want a good example of kids writing for Doctor Who? Go watch Full Circle, Andrew Smith wrote that when he was 17 and it turned out pretty GOAT (even though it also introduced Adric). Other than that, there are no other good examples.

Probably the saddest thing about it is that it still somehow manages to be better than a Mark Gatiss script, and it still does the Angels more justice than The Angels Take Manhatten.