Doctor in Distress
|“||Let's, for the moment, take "Doctor In Distress" seriously, if only because nobody else ever has.
Inasmuch as the song forms an argument for the series' existence, what is the argument?
Doctor in Distress was a charity single released during the 1985 hiatus and served as the greatest single impetus for the immediate and permanent cancellation not only of Doctor Who, but of music as a medium of thought and cultural exchange.
To this day, a man's willpower and constitution can be measured by how many minutes of this horror he can actively listen to.
An idea dreamed up by JNT while in a drunken stupor, this abominable "charity single" (written by the multi-talented Ian Levine) was supposed to save the program from Michael Grade but ended up doing far more damage than even Grade could've hoped for.
Doctor In Distress is so bad that the african famine sufferers that indirectly inspired it were punished by taking all their food away, Ian Levine was punished by forcing him to watch Season 23, and JNT was punished with having to continue to work on Doctor Who for the rest of his career.
Appropriately titled Who Cares? (no, seriously) the band featured a handful of quasi-famous "pop stars" and four regulars from the TV series: Colin Baker (Sixth Doctor), Nicola Bryant (Peri), Nicholas Courtney (Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart) and Anthony Ainley (The Mattress). Both Ainley and Courtney have since died of shame.
The keyboardist who played the song, by the way, was future Hollywood composer Hans Zimmer, which one can discern by the fact the chorus's melody is exactly the same as the melody to "Time", the theme song of Inception.
Probably the worst crime this song committed was not anything it did with itself, but for:
- Wasting its own potential. It had a comfy opening before it gradually degenerated to greater and greater levels of raw cringe.
- Trock. Doctor in Distress might have a couple of redeeming qualities, but it opened the pathway to numerous songs that have no redeeming qualities in a cringey genre known as Trock, which is basically people singing about what literally happens on the show and belting out the names of the characters on the show with painfully minimalist styles, without once singing about the cultural relevance and substance that drives the series.
Seriously though, we joke about it but it's still better than most of Colin's episodes. Please cover it on guitar, Capaldi!
In 2016, when Doctor Who went on another hiatus for a year (unless you count Capaldi's apperance in Class as worthwhile), FiveWhoFans of Christel Dee
infamy fame made their own, "updated" version of Doctor in Distress. Judge it for yourself.